When you come to the realization that interpersonal relationships are based on needs then the steps following become simple and effective.
To understand what a relationship is, how to bring one about, how to enhance one, and why relationships are diminished and lost, one must understand the power of a person’s needs.
The most important things in the world, to us, are the things we believe that we need. Needs affect opinions, attitudes, and viewpoints. Generally we’re more aware of unfulfilled needs than the ones that are consistently met.
Fundamental life needs in particular are so commonly accepted that we usually overlook them. No one is aware of the air breathed, the ground walked on, the water drunk, and yet these are the needs we miss most when gone.
The key to a good interpersonal relationship is simple once you understand the role that needs play in making a relationship weak, moderate, average, or strong. Let’s give the word relationship a different definition from the dictionaries, for unlocking the meaning of the word often leads to greater understanding.
Here is the word defined: A good relationship is a mutual filling of needs.
When two people have strong needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a powerful interpersonal relationship. When two people have weak needs and each fills the other’s needs, there is a mild relationship. When either person has strong needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a poor relationship. When either has weak needs and those needs are not being filled, there is a mild relationship, but one leaning more to the negative side than the positive. When a weak need is not being filled, there isn’t much caring either way.
To enhance any relationship is simple: find out what the other person needs and then fill that need. To end a relationship the reverse is true. Find out what the other person needs and keep those needs unfilled.
It’s as simple as that. The great principle of correspondence states, “As above, so below, as below so above.” When you know the key to happiness you have also learned the key to unhappiness. Without realizing it, when you know how to be a failure, you also know how to be a success.
When you are successful at failing in interpersonal relationships, you also know how to be successful at succeeding in relationships, once the concept is understood. An individual who fails at a relationship is a person who neglects the needs of the partner. So it would follow that the first step to a successful relationship is to determine what needs the other person has. It is also vital to understand your own needs so that you can help the other person in the relationship to fill your needs.
Unfortunately not only do the great majority of people fail to see or to understand the other person’s needs, they do not understand their own. Children have wonderful relationships with their parents as long as their great needs are being filled. When the needs are unfulfilled, the relationship changes and problems arise. As the child grows, needs change; it is essential that the parent recognize the changes. As it is with the child to the parent, so it is with the parent to the child.
When you ask, “How can I help better this relationship?” you are asking the wrong question. To get the correct answer we have to ask the right question. A better question would be, “How can I fill this person’s needs?”
We now come to that fundamental question with regard to a good interpersonal relationship. “How do I discover and recognize needs? Needs in myself as well as needs in others.” It is sometimes easier to recognize another person's needs; our own needs are often hidden by fear, guilt, and programming.
The way to recognize needs in other people is by their response to you. When you do or say something and you get a positive response, you are well on the way to need recognition. As it is in others, so it is in you. What is it you respond to in a positive manner? What do you feel good about getting and about doing? What can you do with complete confidence and fearlessness? What emotional scene can you manipulate without fear or guilt? Look in these areas for your needs and you will in all probability find your answers.
© Burt Goldman. All Rights Reserved.