Years ago, when I was complaining about a marital issue I was having with my husband, my friend Athena said to me, “So your perfect husband has a flaw!”
I was taken aback by her comment – why was it so much easier to focus on a spouse’s imperfections instead of their strengths? That was truly an “aha” moment for me in my marriage. From that point on, when my partner does something that drives me nuts, I think about the 90 percent of him that is, actually, quite perfect.
Curious as to how others who’ve been married over 25 years have maintained course, I set out to interview long-married couples on the secrets that made their marriages thrive decades later.
Here, some sage advice for couples about starting their lives together.
Keep the Peace
The Couple: Donna Segal and Burt Podbere, Los Altos, California
Married: 25 years
Burt’s Advice: “Try not to fight like high schoolers – don’t play games, give the silent treatment, argue over the same things over and over, or bring up past issues in every subsequent fight. If you have children, you want to set a good example of how you’d like them to act in their future relationships. You’re teaching if you show love and affection, you’ll get in in return.”
Donna’s Advice: “Never be a ‘counter’ – this means don’t get petty about things like, ‘I emptied the dishwasher the last three times or I changed the last six diapers’. Because life is never fair and if you’re always counting to be ‘even’ you’ll never be happy. People have different tasks in a marriage – I may have wiped more bottoms and unloaded more dishes, but my spouse completed numerous other chores as well.”
Keep Growing
The Couple: Amy Penfil Wolf and Jeffrey Wolf, Churchville, Pennsylvania
Married: 26 years
Amy’s Advice: “Expect and accept change. No one remains stagnant for twenty-five years, nor should they. You may sometimes feel like you’re with someone different than the person you married long ago. But if basic values, ethics, and morals are the foundation of a person’s character, growth can add to marital satisfaction instead of taking away from it.”
Jeffrey’s Advice: “You and your partner will and should share many things but it’s important to keep your independence and not to lose yourselves in each other. Not every hobby or friend has to be mutual. In fact, a marriage stays fresh when partners have separate interests and relationships.”
Stay Flexible
The Couple: Michelle and Michael Vanlochem, Los Angeles
Married: 38 years
Michelle’s Advice: “Roll with the punches. You have to keep reinventing your relationship to withstand what has been thrown at you. Never consider yourself too old to switch up roles within the marriage – if you change things up, you’ll have a fresh window into your partner’s life.”
Michael’s Advice: “Always listen to what’s important to your spouse and if you disagree, always try to compromise.”
Show Your Love
The Couple: Paul and Diane Doherty, Vero Beach, Florida
Married: 53 years
Paul’s Advice: “It’s important to do little things on a regular basis to show your love. That’s why I get my wife her favorite coffee every morning. It keeps her happy.”
Diane’s Advice: “We’ve always planned a date night once a week. Even when our kids were little, we prioritized making time as a couple. We’d stay out just late enough to make sure the kids were asleep so when we got home, we didn’t have to jump back into Mom and Dad mode.”
Don’t Keep Score
The Couple: Guido and Regina Bussinelli, Ridgewood, New Jersey
Married: 27 years
Regina’s Advice: “Don’t keep score or rate who does more. A good partner knows when to step in, when to take over and when to encourage you to keep moving forward – not get caught up in keeping tabs. I can remember during different phases of our lives being very conscious of the fact I did more with the kids. It could have been easy to mention who had to stay home from work with a sick kid, who had to get up with crying babies, or who had to find childcare so that we could go out on a weekend, but doing so doesn’t get you anywhere.”
Guido’s Advice: “This may sound simple but it has stood the test of time for us – always use kind words and never take the moments you have together for granted.”
© Colleen Sullivan. All Rights Reserved.